A little-known earmark to the Baucus health care bill before Congress would award the President of the United States a National Football League franchise so that he could compete with conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who is expected to purchase part of the St. Louis Rams.
It’s a pilot program, similar to current plans for a small tort reform experiment, and is designed to determine what is the most productive way to run life in these United States, ”life being, after all, a metaphor for football,” said Donald Trump and Rep. Barney Frank in unison. Trump and Frank are expected to oversee the experiment, which is tentatively titled “Celebrity Government Apprentice” and will feature well-known people who have absolutely no experience running a football team or a government.
While Limbaugh will be purchasing an interest in the Rams, the President will receive federal funding to take over a controlling interest in the Washington Redskins.
“This is going to be something,” said Mitch Rosen, program director of WSCR (the SCORE), a sports radio station. “The two things men like to talk about are football and politics. And you can’t really talk politics. You can only shout it. Which is why Mike North alienated so many people in Chicago. And why we get skittish when our hosts try to talk politics.
“But now we’ll have no choice. This is going to be explosive,” Rosen said.
Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin said the match will hearken back to a time when kingdoms would decide disputes via a chess match instead of a war. “Actually, I don’t know if that ever really happened because the history I’ve studied goes only as far back as FDR’s first term, but it sounds good,” she said.
Limbaugh will succeed if he practices what he preaches, that is, if he hires the right people and then stays out of the way, according to football expert Geoffrey Norman of National Review Online. Norman said he expects Limbaugh’s Rams will play “hard-nosed, fundamental football.”
As for the President’s team, the first order of business would appear to be having a dialogue on the team name, the Redskins. The President is expected to ask a number of people over to the White House for a beer to discuss the problem. Among participants will be Gen. Stanley McChrystal, Oprah Winfrey, Janeane Garofalo, Regina Lasko, Tony Rezko, Michael Moore and Saturday Night Live Obama imitator Fred Armisen.
There are no other plans for the team but the President is apparently confident that the current owner, Daniel Snyder, will eventually succeed with his hands-on approach and Mao Tse Tung-style approach of constant revolution. “Eventually he’s going to get it. It’s just a question of spending enough money. And he’s gaining more and more experience each year as an owner,” said David Axelrod, White House senior advisor. Axelrod pointed out that the Redskins recently came very close to beating the Detroit Lions.
