In what many MSNBC commentators are dubbing a masterstroke of ingenuity, President Obama has granted a pre-emptive pardon to the Westmont man accused of secretly videotaping ESPN reporter Erin Andrews and has assigned him the task of fixing Cook County’s anti-terrorism program.
The man, Michael David Barrett (no relation to the former Cubs catcher), has been arrested for allegedly surreptitiously videotaping Andrews in the nude. But the President, who had just seen “The Dirty Dozen” on AMC, has decided Barrett’s talents are too valuable and so the President has placed Barrett in charge of Project Shield, a U.S. Department of Homeland Security program that is supposed to equip all 128 suburbs countywide with state-of-the-art video cameras to combat terrorism but has been dogged by cost overruns and technical problems, according to a Future Comcast (nee NBC5)/Future Tribune Insert (nee Sun-Times) investigation.
“Michael Barrett knows how to track down people and get them on video. We have to think outside the batter’s box, no pun intended. Because it’s not that Michael Barrett,” said the President.
The Homeland Security Department also announced that while Barrett is busy re-tooling surveillance techniques for area law enforcement agencies, Red Light camera video will be used to catch terrorists.
“Not for acts of terrorism per se. But for traffic violations. That system is fantastic. People are getting nailed all over the place for not making full stops at red lights when they’re making right turns,” a spokesman said. “And you can bet a terrorist is going to be a little fearful about leaving plans to blow up a building on the dashboard what with Big Brother perched somewhere overhead.”
Meanwhile, though some government anti-terrorist plans are proving to be boondoggles, some private efforts have paid off in reducing terrorism. At FoxChicago studios, for example, in downtown Chicago, security personnel were doubled after September 11, 2001, and there have been no terrorist incidents.
“We used to have one security guard sleeping in the vestibule to our studios. But after 9/11 we doubled our force and had two sleeping, ” said Pat Nellum, former general manager. “We figured that no terrorist would hazard stepping in the crossfire of the guards’ snoring. The interruption of the sound waves might have stirred one sleeping guard to wake up.”
And indeed there have been no terrorist incidents at FoxChicago since 9/11.
